I’m afraid that I must take this occasion to shake my fist at you and all your frozen brethren. You have now moved to the position of my third least favorite country after Azerbaijan (because I feel like a moron for being unable to spell it) and the UK (because I can’t vote there, despite being a citizen, and because their ridiculous spelling has led to the word “favorite” being underlined with an angry red squiggle).
Now we know that you’re a bit miffed at being relegated to the Arctic circle where month-long-nights and angry polar bears plague your existence, but a volcano was not the solution. Admittedly this is the most press your tiny nation has received since you went bankrupt last year (Oh yes, we still remember), but couldn’t you have put the collective effort of your twelve citizens toward something constructive? Like building a barn, perhaps, or removing all the unnecessary consonants from your language?
Which brings me to another point. Iceland, we know that you’re miffed at the EU for not bailing you out when you went bankrupt (perhaps because you refused to join the EU when you had the chance? Oh yes, we remember that too), but did you really have to take it out on the poor news anchors who were forced to pronounce the word “Eyjafjallajökull” on television every time they wanted to discuss the volcano? I mean, Japan’s volcano is named “Fuji”, for goodness’ sake!
But Iceland, the reason I am most miffed at you and your volcano-ey antics is because you cancelled my flight to Berlin. I had been looking forward to this trip to Berlin for weeks, months even! Now I will never have a chance to use my most excellent German, including such touristy gems as “Ich möchte bestalle ein Sacher Torte” (“I would like to order a Sacher Torte”) and “Ich spreche molto bene Deutsch” (“I speak very good German”, although not entirely in German) and “Ich bin schwanger!” (“I’m pregnant!” Very useful for cutting to the front of queues). I will never have a chance to gaze upon the remains of the Berlin Wall, eat wirklich sauerkraut with wirklich schnitzel or to see whether Real Germans look like this:
Anyway, when I arrive in Iceland (“Ïjsläyndjjjfzq” in Icelandic) next July on my transatlantic voyage home, I assure you, Icalanders, I will have some stern words for you. In fact, I would go so far as to add you to the list of countries America really ought to invade, after Iran, North Korea, and Wales. (I’ve overheard rumours* from the American embassy. Be prepared)
*I’m sorry, American spelling! I just couldn’t bear to look at the angry red squiggles any longer! My heart still belongs to you!
Sincerely,
Katie Roe
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